


Maps

by orphan_account



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, that friendship turned romance thingy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-24
Updated: 2017-03-24
Packaged: 2018-10-10 01:13:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10425945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The end of his search has always been in front of Jiyong's eyes.





	

**Author's Note:**

> A birthday gift for my little sister Lin. Initially published on asianfanfics.com under the same title on 4 January 2017.  
> Raw and unedited; read at your own risk. Apologies for mistakes and errors.

**All my life, I believe** _that we, humans, are wanderers at heart._

_And no, I don’t talk about something as petty as our mere physical existence—when my body’s only 25 years old, I know my soul is way older than that._

_All the desire and yearning of finding something… it comes from somewhere hidden deep inside the core of our body. It’s somewhere in our brain, although our finger keeps pointing at our chest. But the truth is we can even point at our big toe or nose or ear or tummy or hollow of our neck or small of our back… anything. Anything will do._

_After all, what’s the purpose of our physical form but a vessel for our wiser, more knowledgeable soul? The ancient knowledge our soul has been keeping drives such longing of being someplace else, even though it’s the one we’ve never been. Because when our memory cannot remember, our soul knows that we were once there—perhaps only 10 years ago, perhaps centuries ago…_

_Everything has been written—everything that we’re meant to be. That’s why we’ll never stop wondering and wandering, for our soul yearns to find its destiny… to find the meaning of its existence… to find its purpose and role in this vast universe._

_All it takes is to listen to what our soul desires first._

 

* * *

 

“But it’s still raining, Jiyong.”

Zipping my jacket up, I stole a glance at the other guy who crossed his arms on his chest. the furrow forming on his forehead invited an urge to reach for his face, caressing the crinkles to shoo the worry away—

or maybe I _just_ wanted to touch him, to feel his warmth against my skin.

Because he was right; it was still raining outside and I could already feel the chill although his studio apartment’s doors and windows are shut tightly. Oh he didn’t know how much I wanted to stay and waited until the rain finally subsided, while secretly wishing that it wouldn’t end at all.

Instead, I only gave him a grin. “It’s okay. I need to go home. Mom will visit me tomorrow, remember? And I haven’t cleaned my place.”

The lines running across his forehead deepened and the thin line between his pink lips curved upwards. “You can still do it tomorrow morning. It’s already dark outside.”

“Is that an invitation?” I snickered, although the thought of him inviting me to stay at his place overnight did triggered the thuds thumping somewhere inside my chest. It felt like I was a teenager once again, too shy to admit what I really wanted.

To admit that I really wanted _him_.

I wanted _him_ to be someone more than just a friend.

Cringe all you want but it was true that I fell for my best friend.

 

* * *

 

_There are some reasons for the existence of a “soul mate”. But for me, there’s only one ultimate reason to explain this._

_Everything we can experience with our senses is, sadly enough, not everlasting. There will be one point of time where they will expire and vanish, sooner or later. The physical beauty will be eventually replaced by the signs of aging, money will lose its value as the time goes by, and life will be reclaimed by death once the time is due. The night has to end and two lovers will have to say goodbye to each other. Kisses and hugs will have to end, and no matter what the advertisement says, your erection will not stay forever._

_But once we go beyond physical, everything that truly has its meaning will leave a deeper mark inside us, and that’s what our soul has been searching for. It doesn’t need the mere satisfaction from releasing the urges to feel someone else’s body pressed against ours; that’s the reason why some of us cannot feel satisfied to spend the time with the same person every night. The hollow may also grow inside someone who always feels something is missing in his life, although he has all the luxury the life can offer._

_Meanwhile, there are people who are struggling to survive in life with all their limitations, but strangely they may be the happiest people you’ll ever meet. There are lovers who know that the distance is awaiting before them, so they spend their last night together only talking, talking, and talking… before ending it with a long kiss to seal the unspoken promise that they’ll reunite later, once the time is right. And there are people who find solace at each other merely by knowing that they’ll always be around for one and another._

_People who have found out and achieved what they truly desire in life… I always envy them. Just imagine; imagine how it feels to know that your search is finally over. Imagine what it’ll be once you finally figure out the purpose of your life, the end of the search your soul has been longing for since forever…_

_Once we listen to what our soul longs for, the search can feel unending. It may find its purpose next month, next year, or next ten years. It may take more than one lifetime to accomplish it too—once we let go of our last breath and fall into the cold embrace of death, our soul will find the next vessel to continue its search. We can go to places around the world, meet people who speak different tongues, experience everything the life could offer to us, yet the answer is not there yet._

_On the other side, no matter how far we go, no matter how long it takes, the end of the search can be as clear as day. It can be something that’s been hiding in the plain sight, and the sudden moment of revelation is what it takes to finally realize that the answer has been around._

_And that’s how I knew that he was, and still is, the only thing my soul has been looking for._

 

* * *

 

He pushed me, pressing his hands against my back as his attempt to make me change my mind. “Yes, Jiyong. That’s an invitation. Can’t you hear the rain? It’s raining cats and dogs out there! You can get sick!”

I was still chuckling, letting him lead me to the sofa. “But that’s a valid reason for me to go home as soon as possible, Seungri! And you know I don’t get sick easily; it’s _you_ who’ll catch a cold like what happened last year, remember? You forgot your scarf when we celebrated the New Year’s Eve and spent the next three days in your bed due to fever!” And I immediately knew that I didn’t need to look at his face to imagine his eyes twitch in annoyance…

…especially when he pushed me quite harshly until my shin bumped on the end of the sofa. “We never know what’ll happen next, Kwon Jiyong. It may be the moment when we can finally see you laying helplessly in your bed! And now: sit.”

Without a doubt, I refused to obey him. Rather, I whirled around and found himself standing in front of me. “It’s okay, because I know you’ll take care of me, right?” He was there, so close like he had always been… close enough for me to touch and the longing to do it made me my fingers, hidden inside the pockets of my jeans, twitch.

And he was the one who touched me; it was a flick on my forehead, to be exact. As I yelped in surprise, he continued scolding me, “Of course I’ll be the one to take care of you, moron! Who else? Stay still while I bring you the blanket and pillows!”

I had no idea if it was true, but I was completely convinced that my cheeks were burning with the heat spreading across my face. Luckily, he had disappeared inside his room, most likely to bring the extra pillows and blanket for me. Not intending to waste the opportunity, I quickly dashed towards the small entry.

He caught me red-handed right when I opened the door. “Jiyong!”

“See ya tomorrow, Seungri! Remember to buy an umbrella so I can borrow it next time, okay?”

Once the door slammed shut, my small laughter was the only one echoed throughout the hallway.

 

*

 

Seungri was right; each droplet of rain assaulted me mercilessly once I was no longer sheltered by a roof. The last time I checked, it was already around 9:00 P.M. so I could still take the bus to return to my studio. But it was never what I had in mind—and Seungri probably could sense it, seeing how insisting he was to force me spend the night at his place—as I let the rain engulf me, creating a curtain that kept me safe from the world surrounding me.

I didn’t have any special feelings about the rain, but I surely did enjoy feeling the freshness the rainfall had brought on my skin. The loud sound of the heavy rain muffled the noise of the buses and cars, as well as the one that came from the shops or restaurants I passed by.

The sense of isolation made it easier for me to preserve the fluttering inside me, growing stronger and stronger in every minute and every hour spent with _him_.

My studio was still five blocks away, yet I didn’t hurry although it was obvious that I was soaked to my skin. A few people, walking in a hurry under the shelter of an umbrella, gave me a strange look, but I didn’t care; it was their loss for not being able to enjoy the rain the way I did.

Suddenly, the thought of Seungri nagging at me if he actually saw me walking in the rain like this formed inside my head, inviting a warm chuckle escaping from my mouth. I ran my fingers across my hair, keeping the wet strands away from my face. _I need a haircut_ , I told myself… not for the first time because Seungri had been telling me the same thing for weeks.

It was sort of funny to notice that reminding myself to cut my hair suddenly reminded of him, though it wasn’t something I didn't use to. I unlocked the door inside my head, swimming in the ocean of memories I shared with him; there were so many of them stored there since the first time I knew him: seven years ago.

We were almost inseparable since our first encounter as freshmen in high school, despite the differences. I was reckless; he was nurturing. I was never the kind of social person; he was a social butterfly. I didn't mind what the next day would bring me until it finally came; he loved planning everything in details from A to Z. Yet somehow, our personalities matched anyway. We did have those times arguing with each other—too many of them, in fact—that helped us understand one and another and eventually made us even closer.

I thought we would remain as friends forever. And our forever was long after we became ghosts, because it would be really fun to scare the shit out of people together than doing it alone, wouldn’t it? So, we continued living our life: I did whatever I liked doing and he was the one who got my shit together.

Well, it went on like that at least until last summer, when the epiphany struck me as hard as possible. The day started as nothing short of extraordinary; rather, it was one of those summer days when I couldn’t stay still and was too bored to do something productive (read: going to my sister’s shop to help her as promised). I could still remember that day clearly, as if it happened only the day before.

It was almost three in the afternoon when I finally got my ass out of my bed and decided that I wanted ice cream. So I called Seungri and in about 30 minutes later, we had enjoyed our popsicles while walking aimlessly in the park. It was crowded by people; children were running around, screaming like untrained animals as they were supposed to be, and people were either spending their time alone or in a group, talking about everything.

It was my favorite lime-and-strawberry-flavored popsicle I just finished, and Seungri was still enjoying his milky strawberry one on my side. When I glanced at him from the corner of my eye, it was when the realization finally came across my mind: I might have fallen for him. And surprisingly, the thought of that felt so… normal. There was no moment of denial, nor was there any second of doubt.

I was falling in love with my best friend, and it felt... okay And when he noticed my gaze as his eyes found me, mouthing, “What?” I finally noticed the warmth spreading from my chest. _Perfect_ , that was what I told myself.

Maybe it was the sight of soft pink cream smearing on his lips, or maybe it was the sparks inside his light brown orbs… But it might also be the sudden disappearance of the weight I had no idea was inside me all the time. It felt like finding the missing piece of puzzle, or hearing that satisfying ‘click’ inside my head, and I couldn't say anything but ‘perfect’ to describe the moment.

And there I was, reminiscing the past while soaking myself under the rain that didn’t seem to subside anytime soon. I walked past a convenience store and glanced at my blurry reflection on the all-glass wall; suddenly, I wanted to enter the place and grabbed a cup of hot coffee, fully aware of the look the employee might give me for all the wet mess I would cause.

Well, it wasn’t like I cared, right? After all, my place was still about two blocks away. So I smiled, still looking at my own mirror image that didn’t reflect what I was feeling as I stood there. I might have been too focused on the thought of sipping the hot coffee because I didn't notice what happened only a few seconds after:

I could no longer feel the raindrop all over me, and the sight of bright yellow surface over my head had to be the cause.

“You left your phone, moron.”

It was the voice I would always still recognize even though I’d go deaf one day, yet my head turned to the direction where the words came from anyway. And there he was, standing under a glaring lime green umbrella he was holding with one hand, while his other one was holding the yellow umbrella be used to shelter me. “You bought an umbrella,” was my only reply; my hands were still inside my pocket.

“I bought _two_ ; learn how to count, Jiyong.”

I only responded him with a smile on my face, observing his face that still looked as radiant as I could always remember. Amidst the city lights, his eyes looked even brighter, although the mix of worry and annoyance was still obvious to see. I noticed his wet fringe; it was probably the reason why there was a damp trail running down his cheek. He didn’t need to tell me that he had rushed to the nearest convenience store once I left to buy those two umbrellas—two umbrellas in the most eye-popping colors the aliens from the galaxy far, far away could notice easily—and catch up with me.

My hand reached for his hand, still holding the yellow umbrella to shelter me from the rain. At the same time, I found another favorite thing about the rain.

And as I stood under the umbrella he was holding in his hand, the rainfall had turned into a song that wrapped us in a little bubble where nobody could enter but us. It was nothing but a simple thing, yet it felt so... intimate.

He didn’t say anything as I enveloped his hand around my fingers, nor did he refuse the touch, which relieved me.

“Is it too late?” My eyes didn’t cease gazing into his bright eyes; his gaze had softened and I found solace in it just like I always did.

“For what?” His lips, wet from rain, arched; the lip tails were tugged upwards, forming a cat-like smile that had become his signature.

“For falling in love with my best friend.”

 

* * *

 

_What I haven’t told you is that once you’ve found what your soul has been looking for, it doesn’t mean the search is over. You can’t call it an accomplishment if you haven’t taken any action to actually reach the end._

_That night, beneath the shelter of the ugliest umbrellas ever, I finally let my soul speak what it wants. It remains a decision I will never, ever regret at all in my life, for it’s the only right thing to do._

_Because_

 

* * *

 

“J’yong…”

I diverted my gaze from my laptop to the half-closed eyes; even behind the partly-closed lids, I could already see the warmth beamed from the sleepy stare. The owner was stirring, fixing the blanket to envelop him snugly, as my left fingers moved from the keyboard to the messy lump of soft dark hair, tousling it lovingly. “Hmm?” My other hand shut the laptop’s lid and placed it on the nightstand. Soon enough, I joined him under the warmth of the white blanket I changed the night before.

“What time’s it?” he murmured the words so softly, and all I could notice was how his long lashes fluttered beautifully.

“Too late to sleep, too early to wake up… I think.”

The groaning escaped from his slightly parted lips as I lightly tugged the blanket. I could only chuckle and let him claim the largest portion of the blanket like he always did. “Sleep now, okay?”

I said nothing and only fixed my position to get myself as comfortable as possible, reaching for the hair to tousle it for the next moments. There was nothing but the comforting silence filling up my bedroom, disturbed by Seungri’s soft breathing. Even after all these years, ever since I knew him, the sight of his sleeping face was still truly amusing to look at, especially his agape mouth.

My hand moved down and my fingers gripped the side of his body as I brought myself closer to him. Resting my head on his chest, I closed my eyes and let the quiet heartbeat lull me to sleep.

Right before the warm darkness claimed me, I whispered, “I love you.”

And I didn’t need to hear his answer at all, for he had said it to me months ago, under his obnoxious lime green umbrella.

 

**E N D**

 

* * *

 

 

 


End file.
